The Break-Up Story/Procedure

[admyr777]

Hi again,

I've been to 3 of the Nerd Courting Panels - 2 at Fanime, one at Anime Expo. I like the panels and all, but the thing that I felt was only slightly touched upon was the topic of the end of a relationship since it usually came at the end.

At the past Anime Expo I wanted to gt some advice in this particular area, but it so happened that there was little time and, after the panel, I ran out of time.

So I still want to get my story out there at get some advice on what my next step should be so as to move onto a more successful relationship rather than to sink in the same pitfalls from the previous.

I also encourage anyone else to participate in the topic as well to share stories or advise others.

I'll be preparing my story soon enough...

[admyr777]

So this was the situation I had found myself in by the time Anime Expo had rolled around:

2 weeks prior to AX I have been dating a girl for about a month. The last time I was with her everything seemed like it was going swell, but that is obviously not the case.

My situation with her is that I am only really capable of seeing her about 1-2 times per week because I live in Los Angeles and she lives in Laguna Nigel - about a 50 mile drive one way. In addition, I'm the only one with a car, and her "weekend" (days off from work) are Tuesday and Wednesday.

So the last time I saw her it seemed to be going well, and so I had hoped we could go on a date the next weekend to see Toy Story 3. Come that weekend I try to get a hold of her about whether or not she still wants to go she cancels on me. I say , " Okay I guess maybe you're busy, how about next week on Monday night?" She agrees. From Friday to Monday I was doing the occasional texts I do like a "Good Morning" or "Good night" thing while trying to spark conversations. I get no response aside from the texts where I ask her why she canceled on me for our dates, which she did again on Monday. Mind you, whenever she sent me a text she would answer the question I asked and say "I am sorry." I got like 4 of these.

So I thought that maybe life just took a rough patch for her and she just needed this weekend. I decided to give her until the next weekend to see if it was that or if she was dumping me because that next weekend was my birthday. So I learned that I was dumped by the time that rolled around.

This month long relationship had been the longest I've ever had. Most ones before that were just flings, one time dates, and a massive catastrophe of me falling into the Nerd Courting folly when you first meet a girl. Gimme a break, a chemical engineer in college/frat. boy/President of USC Anime Club Spring 2007-Spring 2009/ Avid Basketball fan in LA left me little time for a life much elsewhere to focus.

The weekend after my birthday was Anime Expo, which is where I last saw her. My friends, who are also her friends, have told me they are disappointed in her for giving me the cold shoulder, but they refuse to tell me the reason why she is giving me the cold shoulder. Ergo, I am left without closure as to what exactly happened, and I am one to end up blaming myself for the problems that arise.

I end up seeing her on Day One and Day Three at Anime Expo, and she treats me like I have the plague by keeping like a 20 foot radial distance from me, does not talk to me, and simply walks further out of sights distance when she is done talking with our mutual friends.

(*Side note*: I saw the previous girl I was seeing - before this most recent one - with her new "bf". The "bf" used to be my friend until I realized that he's and arrogant prick otaku that hates people that "get in his way of girls" when they did absolutely nothing wrong, and is also "that guy." I also saw her on Day One within a 30 minute span of the other. Day One Kinda sucked for me.)

Anyways, my friends say that me and the girl need to talk it out, but honestly I don't want to force a confrontation. I also don't want to force anyone to do anything that they don't want to do. I'm trying yo move on, but I don't even know what the next step should be. Should I wait? Should I just get back on the high horse?

Thing is, I don't know, which is why I came here for help. I don't have much experience getting over bad situations like these, and the more I try to do for myself the more I feel like I only end up hurting myself.

[Adam]

Breaking up is hard, and can be pretty complicated. There are 2 reasons why I don't talk about it much at the panel. One: It's depressing. The only way to make breaking up funny is by making fun of it, and I am not willing to do that. And two: When it comes to breaking up, everyone's situation is going to be different, so there really aren't any universals that work well with it. But I will talk a little here, and see if I can't help you a bit.

It sounds to me like she feels guilty, and is choosing to avoid you rather than face up to it. Perhaps she met someone else or maybe just wasn't happy, but doesn't have the guts to tell you face to face. And thats ok, these things happen.

I disagree with your friends who are telling you to talk it out with her. The two of you were dating for a month, and you could only see her a day or two each week, so there has not been enough time to establish very strong connections (to family and the like). This means that you really don't have any reason to pursue further contact with her. I am not saying that you should avoid her, if you see her somewhere, greet her warmly. Just don't spend your time seeking her out.

But just think for a moment about how much time and energy and effort she is putting into avoiding you. If she was angry, and put even a portion of that energy toward that anger, you would know it! This tells me that she is avoiding you because she doesn't want to see you be mad at her. And honestly, you don't know what she is thinking, or what she has been through in her past. Perhaps years ago she broke up with a boyfriend and he went nuts and made her life so miserable that she had to move! Maybe she suffers from severe depression or is a bit psychotic and is afraid you will find out and never speak to her again! People do weird stuff when they are breaking up, and even though you know that you won't go crazy or get angry at her, she doesn't know that.

So here is the take away from this. If it was something that you had done, then her response would probably be anger, not avoidance. So your best course of action is to just let it go. But I know that when emotions are involved, taking the best course of action is not usually an option. So if you are unwilling to just walk away, then send her an email like this:

Subject: One last question

Hey, I know that this is a little bit awkward, but the thing that is hurtful to me is not that we broke up; It's that I have no idea why. Was it something I said? Was it something I did? I ask not to try to fix things with you, but rather so that when i meet someone else I won't make the same mistakes. I just want you to know that while I am sad, I am not angry or upset. And thank you for the last month. It may have been short, but I really enjoyed it.


If you write something along these lines, sign it, and email it to her, then she may respond, she may not. If she doesn't, then don't keep pestering her. It's her choice as well as yours to walk away from a relationship, for what ever reason she sees fit. The way that she did it may be really fucked up, but thats something that she will have to deal with, where as you can choose if you want to deal with it or not.

One of the biggest secrets to avoiding drama in life is the ability to just say "Oh well!" smile, and walk away. I know that this sounds a bit ridiculous, but it really is true, and you will be much happier for it.

~Adam

[bakeuntilash]

I am hard edged when it come to breaking up. When I know its not going to work out I cut out the problem. Don’t talk to her and done see her. Obviously this is very difficult as both of you share the same friends. This being the case, you need to control your feelings.
Im not saying not to feel bad or cry. I actually encourage it and it will make you feel better. It is exhausting! Don’t operate heavy machinery. Time Heals All Pain

Interacting and seeing her will open old wounds and you will never get over her. Adam is right when he says you MUST spend time away from her.

You need to remember that no matter how pleasant your conversation may be or may become, she is not interested in you. You are hurting yourself with the false hope that she will come back. The best you should hope for is for her to be comfortable around you. Don’t F it up by pursuing another relationship. Bottle those feelings up and ignore them. they will never disappear but they will be forgotten when you find the next one.....for a while at least...

I am such a jerk!

But that doesn’t mean I haven’t failed before.

I broke up with a girl I was willing to marry. I loved this girl! Kind, caring, sweet, attentive. Absolutely wonderful! I could have dragged the relationship out for years actually but that wouldn’t help either of us find “the one”. It hurt and it totally sucked to do but I told her not to call me or contact me in anyway because we would both fall back in to “relationship mode” and we would both not have moved on.

Doing this left me both sad and happy. Happy because it ended while we were still on good terms. I have nothing but good memories and a heart swelling with joy! Sad because I lost someone special. The good outweighs the bad 100 fold! Hold on to the happy memories and feelings and be happy you were able to feel that way. Then move on.

[Ann]

^bakeuntilash, you don't stay friends with someone after you break up with them? Do you try to re-establish a friendship after you've had radio silence with them for a period of time?

[bakeuntilash]

Nope. No contact. She was crazy about me and I am to her. I wont bore you with the details. If I were to re establish contact I would fall in love again…actually I never stopped loving her. but it was not meant to be.

I cannot talk for her but for me, well, the simplest thing to say is im selfish. It would hurt to see her happily with someone else. It would hurt me to know that no matter what I do she cannot except me for what I believe (actually, what I don’t believe.) I wouldn’t want her hurt if I were to find someone else.

I will live the rest of my days with sweet and happy memories.

Whats done is done. No one will fill the space she holds in my heart. I am not looking to replace or imitate past relationships. The next one will be a new experience and a new love unique in its own way.

[Ann]

That's a little depressing to me, even after a break up my biggest fear is losing someone who has become a dear friend. I'm still on good terms with my three ex-boyfriends and hell, the most recent is now one of my best friends. Sure there will probably always be some lingering feelings and it will be painful to watch them find someone new, but cutting them off completely means you will only beable to think of them happily in the past tense. Isn't it less troublesome in the long run to keep making more happy memories with them as a friend? Friendships seem to be more steadfast form of affection than most romantic relationships anyway. The thing is, even if you still love your friend it won't stop you from forming new crushes in the future. The only time I am not in subconsciously in "scouting for new relationship" mode is when I am actively IN a relationship. I sort of figured most people were the same, but it could be that I'm weird that way? I dunno...

[admyr777]

@ Adam:
Wow!! It still amazes me how you know so much about how to handle this situations with versatility. Thank you for the advice! I feel it really helped!

Plus, I'm glad you mentioned this forum because, yeah, I remember you mentioning how you don't like to talk about the break-up stuff during your previous panel but at least I can discuss that stuff here.

@ Ann and bakuentilash's situation:
I agree with Ann in that you should still try to retain and establish a friendship even after the relationship is gone, that is, in most scenarios. The only time I'd think that a complete sever of the person is optional is if they had wronged you in a big way, and had little to no remorse about it. In essence, give you a valid reason why s/he isn't a good friend to you.

[bakeuntilash]

Ann – I have an unusual grasp on reality. I have not grown up popular or under constant peer pressure. No drinking, no drugs, no smoking and lead to a life of very little parting and lots of excluding from invitations. Growing up I have spent loads of time alone. this had conditioned me to be accustom to being alone. I have only needed one good friend at any given time to be content. I notice that friendship and family are vitally important to a majority of people. This causes them to do foolish things in the name of “love” or “family responsibilities” as I have look into other peoples constant problems I have also noticed that these mental obligation have laid the foundation of truly horrible things. Lets say for example : a drug addict is abusive and stealing money from his family. The family makes excuses and put up with the abuse. I say kick his useless ass out on the street and he gets what is coming to him, while others say he just needs a little help. (there is always an exception but for now lets take the previous scenario in the extreme) indecisiveness is frustrating to me! If you have a problem and want to fix it, I will do more then my fair share to help you do it. if you want to fix a problem by constantly talking it over and never taking steps to fix it, STOP COMPLAINING!

So that’s how my brain works. I need to see that a sensible solution is being worked toward.

The next thing is that I don’t fear being alone. it is frightening to me that so many wonderful ladies are desperate to have someone in their lives. Not because they love the other person, sometimes they don’t even like the other person, but being alone is such a terrifying idea. It makes me sad to hear people say things like that. I am not looking for a girlfriend just because I want a girlfriend. I want a girlfriend I will love and be in love with. I want one person to spend my life with. I want the wife and kids. I want to be a good father. I want to be a great husband! I want to be a good role model. In order to do that, I need to better myself and not dive into a relationship just because I don’t want to be alone.

I surround myself with quality people not masses.

I work in the death industry. I spent 3 years picking up humans at the location they stopped functioning. 24 hours a day 5-6 days a week. I was like an ambulance driver, on call. but i want there to save anyone..... I have seen tears and anguish. Rage, sadness and acceptance. I have taken new born from their parents arms and elderly from their beds at home. All this even before I started working for the coroner’s office! On top of my original isolation and lack of popularity and friends, that job robbed me of 3 years of life. (don’t get me wrong I love that job! I ran my own business for 2 of those 3 years. It was interesting, educational, inspiring, character building!) I would like to say it changed how my mind functions but all it did was temper it into something stronger and more fortified. Not everyone can do what I did, or do now. (work at a crematory. Hence the not so clever name ‘Bake Until Ash’) I literally trained hundreds of people to do what I do and they all failed. It feels good to be able to do something no one else can do.

This is getting too long where am I going with this... … … AH! I have learned to process loss much better. Instead of being sad for all eternity, i remember the good times and not the absence of that person.

So, all of that history of Charles boils down to my diction. There are foundational pillars to a stable marriage. “just a relationship” can be anything! You don’t even have to like the person, maybe its just a sexual relationship. I was not satisfactory on one of the 4 pillars (there are more but the main stuff is money, sex, religion, child raising. Others are politics, health, morals, blah blah blah. All the nit-picky stuff) she made it clear, in her own way, that her feelings were being affected because of my lack of religious beliefs. I accepted her faith and encouraged it. she was unable to accept my lack of belief .

So there you have it. could I have stayed friends? Yes. I could have. But as I said, I love her. This will equally be counterproductive for both of us. I will feel guilty for being with another, and maybe she would feel the same. I would be over protective of her with her new boyfriend. Selfishness! I said that above and that’s the truth. I love her enough to let her go. I will love my next girlfriend enough not to compare her to past loves. Theres some more good advice. Never compare your current relationships with past ones. If it comes up, LIE!!! Lie like you have never lied before!!! Give it a dismissing answer at least……

At this point its better to stay my course. It would be the same as stringing the girl along. Build up her hopes and then knock them down. (hell, at this point she might have another boyfriend and not care 2 cents about me, you never know) I could sit here and imagine what things could be like. Or I can accept the consequences of my action and move on. There are no save points in life so enjoy the adventure.

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[Adam]

I am still close friends with, or at least in contact with most of the girls I have dated over the years, and am very happy about it. It can cause a little drama from time to time, but as long as there is open communication there aren't any problems. Some of my closest friends are ex-girlfriends. We started dating because we like spending time with each other, and just because we have found that we are not compatible in a romantic relationship, doesn't mean that we suddenly cannot be friends.

The key is simply breaking up without getting mad, taking a few weeks or months (depending on how long the relationship was) away from each other, and treating each other with respect.

Charles, your views on this are solid and logical, but i'm afraid that they apply pretty specifically to you. Most people simply cannot walk away from someone they love and never look back. They are literally incapable of it. It's not a choice they can make, it's a reality that they must face, and they deal with it the best they can.

I once forced myself to walk away from a friend that, while we were not dating, I was still very close too. It took me years to work up the courage to go apologize to her, and I am both very lucky and very thankful that she was willing to forgive me, and we have since rebuilt our friendship. I have no greater regret than those lost years, and would give anything to go back in time and change what I did.

On a side note, if you are not a staff member, I would appreciate if you would try to limit your posts to 1000 characters. I really appreciate that everyone has so much to say, and this is a place where I want you all to feel free to express yourself! My concern is that with so many monster posts, the temptation to just skim is becoming overwhelming...

-Adam

[bakeuntilash]

It will be nice if we are to one day get back together and be friends. We will just have to see what happens.

Ya…. My views can be ridged and specific and I do see that very few people actually like my point of view. Luck for everyone (especially me!) I am never this winded when you talk to me in person. I abuse the privilege of editing my thoughts when I type stuff out.

[Ann]

that's why I like these discussions though, getting to hear different viewpoints on a problem helps us all to understand it better. If everyone thought the same way about something it wouldn't be a discussion so much as a circle of nodding heads ^_^;; Besides, I have read in magazines that the break-up-and-cut-all-ties method is an advised way to go among normal folks, so you aren't the only one who feels that way. It makes sense, and I suspect most people outside the nerd-community aren't trying to date someone who they've cautiously built a friendship with before even braving the dating stage, so while they may be cutting off someone they love dearly they are only losing the romantic relationship, not a long friendship as well (I'm guessing on all of this, feel free to tell me if I'm way off the mark 'cause I actually have no idea what i'm talking about here).

[bakeuntilash]

I am not fond of turmoil. Endless back and forth, pros and cons are tiresome and demoralizing. messes up my insides. I am big into romanticizing and fantasy and what-could-be, but reality is a cruel mistress I can’t avoid. Well, more accurately, I choose not to ignore.

But, other then this last break up it is totally butter that I don’t have contact with my previous girlfriends. especially the first one. I WANT TO LIVE!!!

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